Much needs to be done, but I already saw the basic frame looming, that I am on a stage where I need to sift through my life, find out all the defects inherent or planted later in my life into the ways I think and make judgments, and establish a complete way of judgment, even if that means to tear my thickest mask apart, face my worst insecurity and risk losing all the efforts made before, in that if I see the witness of truth as my highest reward and happiness, I shall take pride in whatever I do in the quest for that.
I took delight in opening Xiaonei and checking out their updates of journals and states of being, almost always fluctuating from resolutions to distresses- the same whirl pool I constantly got into before I got to know Ayn Rand and her individualism. And in the meantime I hope it will remind me to stay out of it and be good.
I thought it hard to think because I was facing the obstacles of fearing to be honest with myself, yet not knowing it. Now that I began to be honest and value truth more than the so-called self-esteem I previously championed hardest with white lies, faked realities, and made-up fantacies, I am brushing all the ashes aside, taking delight in seeing the truth and finding my greatest happiness in seeing new fire flaring up everyday. I used to clutching up my palms, trying hard to hold on to every past glory as I saw my present or future fading away. I didn’t know that the longer I held on to it, the deader it grew, and the more time I lost. Now I keep my palms open, I always have the updated, refreshed and best possible answer within reach for me, thus also making me closer to the truth.
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