It is winter solstice today, at 8:03 pm.
For almost 20 years I lived unconsciously and helplessly as a sentimentalist, or precisely, a second-hander. I never enjoyed school though I tried everything to make my scores pretty enough to impress teachers and peers, and to make my parents proud. The strongest incentive I had was for my parents’ sake. I tried so hard, but happiness was always elusive. That is a system in chaos and is doomed to fail, yet I never found the truth by myself. I was stopped short every time I got a little nearer to the truth, and that was most because i was intimidated by practical people who appear to be successful and some deterring reality. I will never be deterred again, as i already have a relatively strong footing, the conviction of my own philosophy. I hope will not bend to necessity. I hope I live a life I am proud of . If I find that I am not, i hope I have the courage to start all over again. I never found out. Poor me. I deserved it. 20 years living as a second-hander. Probably not in the previous years in my life, where those rotten ideas and thoughts had not got into me. Everything had been primitive and pure. I had no any idea how unhappy I was going to be later in my life.
Now I am back. I am glad I find the right attitude towards life before I turn full twenty. I am still thin and deprived, but at least I have a frame of philosophy that I am going to benefit for the rest of my life.
What I want to say by writing this, is that through my just-built evaluating system, I begin to realize any kind of things people make, music, movies, news, literature, plays…should have the kind of quality that is timeless if they are going to be recognized as sublime or making sense. I appreciate the kind of music which sings the sound from my heart. I shall be honored if I ever will enter a creative profession in my life and create something that is unique of me and will live on with time and at the same time I can feed and dress my body and put a roof over my head.
I tried so hard with the wrong method yet still got so far. I think I will … wow! Nothing can stop me form growing now.
It is winter solstice at 20:03 just now. I set it as a brand new beginning for me. It is different from any new beginnings I found myself in. I have outgrown the time when resolutions and impulses made up the major beats of my conscious life. I am confident, secure and ready to challenge myself. I am getting better day by day.
2008.12.20
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