Individualism in Practice

2009.01.05

Today, I found another problem that had twisted me for the last ? years, because I didn’t know when it all started. I was not born to be a second-hander or second-rater. They just trickled in and soaked my thoughts and misled me to where I was several months ago. But it is not that strange because it’s really easy to destroy something good. While the hardest thing was to build, or rebuild.

Each time I was asked a question, such as "Would you like to join us in the karaoke tomorrow night? Please…what’s the point in sitting in the dorm all night?” or “We are eating out tomorrow, just the four of us. Would you please come along? Or you’ll be in the dorm alone.” My first reaction will always be: OK. And the subconscious reason is always- I don't want to disappoint her, she’s so enthusiastic, she really wants me to go...And almost every time, I found myself somewhere totally improper or uncomfortable for me later. I was not happy about the time had to be wasted in some meaningless activities- I never intended them to be.

The question here was: I didn't ask the right question. I should have asked myself whether this was something I needed or wanted. I didn’t need to care about any other’s feelings. If they couldn’t manage to think about themselves, it was their turn to grieve about time spent on meaning things without any fun, sometimes even with a lot of disputes and troubles. And in fact, no one really cares about me in the realm outside my house.

Tonight all my three roommates will go to the karaoke to spend the night- to celebrate C’s birthday. But firstly, she doesn’t know what it means to “celebrate birthday”. If it was me, I would first think back the past 365 days and ask whether there was something worthy of celebrating, and whether i grew. If I just spent the past year with nothing achieved and nothing unbetrayed, I would find a place to grieve- not to celebrate. They never think about it. Do they ever think by the way? They claimed that they went there to celebrate someone’s birthday- which served as the rightful motive. Then they were honest and admitted they went there to relax, to get depraved for a night. Actually, they had nothing to celebrate and they couldn’t be more depraved than they had always been.

I refused it for the reasons below.

First, I have nothing to celebrate. Your birthday is not mine to celebrate. Therefore there is no meaning in the activity itself. Its motive and fact does not match.

Second, once I agree to go, I surrender a whole night’s time at the mercy of these people who don’t know what they are there for. No one have the right to control what I do in an irreplaceable hour of mine.

Third, they have time to waste, I haven't. I have a goal to reach. I have something I have the passion to devote all my love to be after. Whatever choice I make, it is all for the sake of me, for the benefit and convenience of me, for the happiness of me, not for anyone else.

Now I see the evil rooted in my life and I am able to uproot it. In every choice I make, I have a specific purpose to reach. I will not waste a minute of mine just for the sake of others. My life is precious and every minute counts. Many people have preached to me that “ability” is of the hugest significance in my future career; therefore, I should have a position in the student body to train my “ability”. I believed it and wasted quite an amount of time running for the English Society. Now I have got over it, and I will not have nothing left if I confess that I have got nothing from it, I can say I don’t belong the group of people who have a fetish for the so-called “ability”.

I used to read a book with the sole desire to finish it. I thought, or by some dim wish-turned belief that when my eyes had brushed through enough words and books, I will automatically be smarter and have a better memory. Now I know it is futile no matter how many books I “read” that way. Whatever I do, I have to have a specific and well-defined purpose. The purpose is somewhere I want to reach. I will spend any time I have to reach that goal. And however small that is, the day I reached it will be my triumphal arch- that will be the day to celebrate. Here I need to make it clear to myself: that day exists, and I can reach it. Just I have never reached any goal or fulfilled any plan during high school does not make it impossible. High school is a time when I put my whole time and freedom at the mercy of some authority. I am free now. Now I believe it, I need to take it one step further and prove it.