Bleed it Out

It was September 1st. I woke up in the morning with the too familiar anguish eating at my heart.

That day was "psychologically important", for it was the first day of primary and middle schools. And as "autumn tiger"(or Indian summer) had just deserted the morning air, the thick and sad autumn atmosphere seeped through my lungs and saturated my blood when I was waking up.

I felt the anguish looming inside myself. I couldn't tell where exactly it was, maybe it was everywhere, in and outside my body. But if it was at the back of my mind, I would like to turn around and face it in the front and pierce through its eyes. If it was a swell on the surface of my skin, I would love to scratch it to my heart's content, until all my fluids bled out, until the white bones can be seen. Then I would look at it with my utmost curiosity and laugh until not a calorie was left.

But as I said, it was everywhere, inside and out, from head to toe. The whole northern hemisphere was saturated with the invisible monster. Everywhere I went it dogged, everywhere I sat it nibbled at my toes. Can't you feel it? Why don't you face it? How can you appear so normal? Or am I the one who is insane!

"Many of them are normal because they are so well adjusted to our mode of existence, because their human voice has been silenced so early in their lives, that they do not even struggle or suffer or develop symptoms as the neurotic does. Their conformity is developing into something like uniformity. But uniformity and freedom are incompatible."(Aldous Huxley)

"I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away!" Why not set a fire on this melancholy autumn air, that is pulling you all the way down.

Set it on fire, let the sky burn with your deepest shame and unrest, let the straws of rye explode with the most contemptuous laugh, let me take in the last bit of air as if there is no tomorrow, not even the next minute.

"Symptoms as such are not our enemy, but our friends; where there are symptoms there is conflict, and conflict always indicates that the forces of life which strive for integration and happiness are still fighting..."

I am still fighting.