Confusion...

"Confusion is a word we invented for an order which is not understood. I like to dwell on this period when things were taking shape because the order, if it were understood, must have been dazzling."
(Henry Miller, Tropic of Capricorn)

Right now I am in the middle of huge confusion-taking part in the CCTV Cup English Speaking Contest, which is going to begin in a month's time. This is a very short time to prepare because the coming semester is a busy one, with 33 lessons per week, plus two tutoring jobs.

Actually I participated in it last year, but since I didn't get a good result I couldn't say I figured it out. It takes a winner of a competition to instruct us the methods of winning, though not every winner knows consciously what it is that makes him win out. All through these years, English competitions all around China have churned out numerous winners every year, some of them are really good, but most of them are too far to reach. You can find their interviews from some news websites or forums, but useful information are limited. The essence is always easy to convey, like "read more, speak more", but the rest of the specifics we are supposed to figure out for our own. And what a confusion it is when it comes to the everyday details!

But Henry Miller gives me a good perspective, instead of evading or toiling for this situation as a despot, I can now enjoy the process of staying in this confusion and trying to muscle my way out, looking forward to the day when I finally disentangle myself from this mess and get out from the best exit.

That day, when I look back, I will see the order which I was not manage to see in the process. The experience will be ever more illuminating because it gives me a sense of order, which leave me tremendous courage to go further on the chosen path and also to start something new.