A Spectacular Piece of Human Failure

As a failure I am spectacular. I console myself.

Walking out the classroom, down the stairs, through the crowd flooding to cafeterias, and even sitting down with myself at the lunch table, I feel so out of place, so inferior, so awkward. I am one spectacular piece of human failure, at least physically. The only thing i can rely on is the coming of the cool weather, by then i can put on some thick layers of clothes so that I no longer suffer from the curious gaze of others. But they are really my own gaze. Whenever others are around, I grow extremely sensitive, one unconscious stay of sight would mean a thousand words' despise. Once the water gate is opened, the flood of self-pity will flood forth without means of stopping.

This negative self-consciousness is a cancer eating my total consciousness away. When i am passing the streets, the lanes in school I should have been observing the people around and thinking and reducing them to mere mockery! - instead of busy pitying myself. What is worse, I can think about this problem for a thousand years, and as long as human genetic is not profoundly changed in between there will never be a solution coming up. If Sartre's question which he have thought for a life-time is "being in the world" and "being in the midst of world", then mine would be...this.

The only thing I can do, is to wait for the cool weather. If I ever become a global warming interventionist it is also because of this.